3.17 - Stirred CC Capture by: Brent Berstein Formatting (in less that 24 hours): ck1tzar (at) aol.com. JOSH Previously on The West Wing: INT - HOYNES OFFICE HOYNES When was the last time you went to a meeting? LEO A.A.? What meeting could I possibly go to? HOYNES Mine. LEO John, tell you are not showing... HOYNES Leo, I have got my own meeting. There are nine of us-- three Senators two Cabinet Secretaries, one Federal Judge and two Agency Directors. There's an agent outside. The whole thing looks like a card game. LEO Do I have enemies in that room? HOYNES All our people. You should think about it. TEASER MAN: "We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. "We made a list of all persons we had harmed "and became willing to make amends to them all. "We made direct amends to such people wherever possible "except when to do so would injure them or others. "We continued to take personal inventory "and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. "We sought through prayer and meditation to improve "our conscious contact with God as we understood Him-- "as we understood Him-- ( clears throat ) "praying only for knowledge of His will for us "and the power to carry that out. "Having had a spiritual awakening "as a result of these steps "we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and practice these principles in all our affairs." Okay, I haven't chaired in awhile. What do we do next? Now is when we usually start drinking. Okay. Actually, I want to talk about something before we start. If you're going to try and get my committee to fund that idiot-ass airplane that can't fly... It can fly. That's right. Just can't land. Small price to pay, to be able to fly. No, I wanted to talk about Leo. I'll fund the plane, but I'm not going to fly on it. Well, I've been wondering for a while if it's a good idea that Leo keeps coming to these meetings. Why? Look, every meeting's for anybody. You don't have a password at the door just walk in and sit down. Except where anonymity is crucial-- even among other alcoholics-- commercial airline pilots surgeons and us. Right. Well... Leo's out. He got outed. And I'm wondering if it's wise that he's leaving a trail of bread crumbs to this room every Thursday night when he could go to any meeting... But he can't go to any meeting. There'd be photographers camped at the door. I don't know any meeting where there aren't six guys that wouldn't beat the crap out of anybody... Yeah, that's what we want. Yeah, so I think we should consider this... HOYNES: Guys. My meeting. Leo stays. There it is. Know what I forgot? "What we see here, what we say here "what we hear here stays here." ALL: Here, here. Anybody want to start? I will. I'm John. I'm an alcoholic. ALL: Hi, John. ACT I INT - HALLWAY-THURSDAY NIGHT 10:30 PM SAM You wanted me? JOSH You guys go out? SAM Toby had Capitals tickets. JOSH Good game? SAM You know what I'd do if I...? No, it wasn't. You know what I'd do if I owned a ockey team? I'd hire a sumo wrestler. I'd give him a uniform, transportation 500 bucks a week to sit in the goal eat a ham sandwich and enjoy the game. My team would never get scored on. JOSH Your team would get scored on constantly. SAM Maybe, but we'd sell a few tickets. JOSH Yeah, 'cause sumo wrestling sells out all the time in big hockey towns. SAM My idea is totally inviable? JOSH Well, you're a Democrat. It's a pretty big club. INT - JOSH'S OFFICE-CONTINUOUS SAM What did you need? JOSH Uh, Health, Education and Welfare is marking up the Internet Education Act tomorrow. SAM Tomorrow? JOSH Yeah. SAM And they told us when? JOSH An hour ago. They're zeroing out the Technology Challenge Fund. SAM That's the Vice President's thing. JOSH You want to know for how long? I was working for him when he created it. SAM Does he know? JOSH No. SAM What do you think he's going to say when you tell him? JOSH I think he's going to say "Josh, you look remarkably like Sam Seaborn SAM " I can think of a lot of people who are better suited to this than I am. JOSH Who? SAM Leo. JOSH Leo says you. SAM Why didn't he say you? JOSH I don't have the best relationship with Hoynes, and neither does Leo. SAM I don't understand. You just go in there and say "I'm sorry, Mr. Vice President. It isn't going to happen." Don't you think he's going to be miffed if it comes from the Deputy Communications Director? JOSH Well, we don't want you to say "I'm sorry." We want you to work with him and save the bill. SAM Oh. All right. When? JOSH His office is expecting you in 20 minutes. SAM What about the meeting? JOSH My meeting? SAM Yeah. JOSH You'll come late. SAM You still don't want to tell me what it's about? JOSH No big deal. You'll find out when you get there. SAM All right. (exits) JOSH Thank you. ( sighs ) INT - JOSH'S BULLPEN - NIGHT, CONTINUOUS JOSH I've lost my binder from National Strategies. DONNA The blue one? JOSH The black one with the secret launch codes. DONNA It'll turn up. JOSH I also need the Cabinet Affairs amplification report. And if you can get the AP farm guy back on-line I'm almost sure Toby gave me a punchier quote on Ag reorganization. DONNA I shall do those things. JOSH You... "shall"? DONNA I shall. And I'll tell you what I'd like in exchange. JOSH How about a weekly salary of some kind? DONNA Yes, plus a favor. JOSH Name it. DONNA It's a big favor. JOSH What do you need? DONNA I had an English teacher in the 12th grade named Molly Morello, and she was one of those teachers and she's retiring. JOSH For me, it was Mr. Feig for American history A.P. and Con Law. DONNA Right. Unusual as it may seem we're talking about me. JOSH And the big favor you want. DONNA All right, tell me about Mr. Feig. JOSH No, I think that moment's done except to say that he meant the world to me and he died four years ago. DONNA Okay, well, Mrs. Morello is retiring. JOSH Not quite as bad as dying. DONNA How hard is it to get a Presidential proclamation? JOSH Molly Morello Day? INT - HALLWAY - NIGHT, CONTINUOUS DONNA I was hoping for Molly Morello Month but I should be realistic. JOSH Yes. DONNA And that would be Molly Morello Day? JOSH That would be a nice letter from the principal. DONNA Oh, come on. Get him to sign a piece of paper, a little proclamation. JOSH "A little piece of paper"? Proclamations have the full force of law. The Emancipation Proclamation, to name just one. DONNA To name the only one. JOSH Listen, I-I don't know what's involved with these things. Probably have advisory boards, commissions. The NATO Commander's involved, possibly. DONNA Can I find out what's involved? JOSH Yeah, but find me the blue notebook first, would you? DONNA Yeah. JOSH I'm going to the meeting now. INT- TOBY'S OFFICE SAM Got a minute? TOBY If I said no, would it stop you? SAM No. NEAP figures are out today. TOBY Okay. SAM They're up. TOBY So, instead of trailing 18 third-world countries in reading and math, we trail how many? SAM Up's better than down. Either way, it's news. The Education Secretary ought to make a statement. TOBY Tomorrow's no good. We've got half a dozen events on the books. SAM We keep saying education's our number-one priority. TOBY And tomorrow, we're trying to make news on five of our other number-one priorities. Don't you have a meeting? SAM Two meetings, actually. TOBY Oh, I'll check the calendar. SAM Up's better than down. (EXITS) TOBY Where to find a chisel and a stone tablet. INT - COMMUNICATIONS BULLPEN - NIGHT, CONTINUOUS TOBY I need to know what the Cabinet's doing tomorrow. Ideally, sometime before tomorrow. GINGER 10:30, Drug Czar on border control. Noon, HUD Secretary on home ownership loans. Also noon, technical briefing at ONDCP on... TOBY Is it... Go back. What's at noon? GINGER ONDCP technical... TOBY No, the Housing Secretary. GINGER Home ownership loans at the HUD Event Stage. Something wrong? TOBY Page the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. I want to see him in my office. GINGER When? TOBY Look at my face. GINGER Now. TOBY I'm in the Roosevelt Room. GINGER Want me to pull you out when...? TOBY Please. INT - POTUS OUTER OFFICE POTUS Okay, we're e-filing the old 1040A. You're single, head of your household. Deanna's a dependent. Your adjusted gross income is $35,000 per anum. CHARLIE Sir, I could do most of this myself. POTUS I love doing this. CHARLIE Really? POTUS Yeah. CHARLIE Filing tax returns? POTUS Yeah. CHARLIE Okay. POTUS What? CHARLIE I was just thinking about the plurality of Americans who made the decision to pull a lever that had your name next to it. POTUS Suckers. Okay, your mom's Social Security pension benefit is $1,536. Police pension, $2,400. CHARLIE And here's where my question is. POTUS "Do you take a standard deduction or do you itemize?" CHARLIE Yes, sir. POTUS Did you make any charitable donations? CHARLIE $500 to the First Baptist Church $185 to the Salvation Army in clothing and household items, $500 to the Police Benevolent Society of Washington, DC and $250 to Big Brothers and Sisters of Washington, DC. POTUS Really? CHARLIE Yeah, plus $430 in non-reimbursed medical expenses. POTUS You're better off with the standard deduction. CHARLIE Okay. POTUS I'm hitting "send" now. If you're lying about any of this you're going to the joint. CHARLIE Yeah. POTUS It's going to tell us what your refund is but I've done a quick calculation and it'll be $700. CHARLIE That's what I got, too. POTUS You've spent it already, haven't you? CHARLIE I'm getting a scan DVD player with MP3 playback. Free shipping and tax, it's $499 which will leave enough left over to buy a great DVD I found on eBay. POTUS Yeoman of the Guard? CHARLIE Oh, how well you know me, Mr. President. On Her Majesty's Secret Service. POTUS Can I tell you what's messed up about James Bond? CHARLIE Nothing. POTUS Shaken not stirred will get you cold water with a dash of gin and dry vermouth. The reason you stir it with a special spoon is so not to chip the ice. James is ordering a weak martini and being snooty about it. CHARLIE Well, I'll reflect on that while watching my digital enhanced picture with theater-quality sound. ( computer beeping ) POTUS Okay. CHARLIE $700? POTUS $400. CHARLIE I'm only getting $400 back? POTUS You owe $400. CHARLIE They're saying I owe the Federal Government money. POTUS And you don't even need a stamp. Hand it over. CHARLIE There's a mistake. POTUS Whatever. Hand it over. CHARLIE There's no way I owe money. POTUS That's not quite how we see it. CHARLIE Could I sit down there, please? POTUS Sure. C.J. Good evening, Mr. President. POTUS You need me? C.J. Yes,sir. POTUS Let's go inside. Milo? Coop? Would you help Mr. Young find his pockets, please? CHARLIE I'm fine. There's been a mistake. INT - OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT, CONTINUOUS C.J. I'm sorry to come straight to you but Leo's unavailable right now. You should be getting a call from the Energy Secretary any minute. POTUS What happened? C.J. The wire service is reporting that a heavy-haul vehicle carrying depleted uranium fuel rods crashed in the Seven Devil Mountains in Idaho. POTUS It crashed? C.J. It was hit head-on by another truck in the Goldfield Tunnel on Route 234. POTUS Are there populated areas nearby? C.J. Elk Horn's about 20 miles away with a population of 20,000. POTUS Charlie? CHARLIE The Energy Secretary's on the phone. POTUS Conference in the Chief of the Radiological Assistance Team. CHARLIE Yes, sir. POTUS Charlie, get me Fitzwallace, Nancy McNally and let all the senior members of the NSC know I might need them tonight. CHARLIE Yes, sir. C.J. Thank you, Mr. President. POTUS Yeah. INT - ROOSEVELT ROOM - NIGHT, CONTINUOUS C.J. A truck carrying depleted uranium fuel rods just crashed in Idaho 20 miles from a populated town. JOSH Well, what's happening right now? C.J. The President's talking to Tommy about the radiation threat and he's talking to some National Security people. LARRY There's a problem. C.J. I'm just telling them. LARRY It was a 24-ton Type B light cask, holding spent fuel rods from the nuclear carrier Truman. ED Does "24-ton Type B" mean anything to anybody? LARRY It's a heavy truck. You've got to hit it with another heavy truck. TOBY Why National Security? C.J. What? TOBY You said he was also talking to National Security people. C.J. Two trucks in a completely deserted area and they just happen to crash into each other? I'd want to talk to somebody, at least. JOSH All right, listen. Postpone the meeting. TOBY No,let's do it. JOSH This is going to be all night. TOBY When we get pulled out, we get pulled out. JOSH It doesn't really seem appropriate right now. TOBY You spent a long night with Bruno last night. JOSH Yeah. And Bruno spent a long night with Doug the night before. C.J And? JOSH There's no electoral math they can come up with-- none-- that says it's not worth exploring replacing the Vice President on the ticket. END ACT I ACT II INT - ROOSEVELT ROOM - NIGHT TOBY Not five months ago, in this room I had said-- I joked-- that if we win reelection it was going to be on the Vice President's coattails. The way I'm sure I said it is because it was leaked. How has the electoral math changed since then? JOSH By the way... the group of people were chosen because they're the people Leo wanted to hear from tonight but also, because he was confident there wouldn't be a leak and I hope we live up to that. TOBY How has the math changed? JOSH Bruno doesn't think Hoynes buys us Texas with Ritchie in the race. If we lose Texas this time, we lose Florida this time that's a third of the electoral votes we need to win. Th-There's a reason the Republicans are nominating this man. C.J. Who does? JOSH What? C.J. Who does win Texas for us? JOSH Nobody. We're... we're losing Texas. TOBY Wait a second, before we go on to who does win Texas... C.J. I was just saying... TOBY We've been talking about this for a minute and 17 seconds and we're already discussing new candidates? C.J. I was saying if no one's going to win us Texas then why change it all? JOSH Can I make it clear nobody's advocating anything. TOBY Bruno and Doug are. JOSH Bruno asked for a discussion. LARRY What was the answer to C.J.'s question? TOBY The Northeast and the Pacific coast and the industrial Northwest. JOSH Yeah. TOBY If we don't have Florida and Texas it means we have to sweep those three. JOSH Yeah. ED And he thinks Hoynes hurts us there? JOSH He thinks someone else could help us more. C.J. Did he say who? JOSH Yes. C.J. Who? JOSH Fitzwallace. He said Fitzwallace, Toby. And when you think about it... TOBY Yeah. LEO Josh. JOSH Yeah INT - HALLWAY - NIGHT, CONTINUOUS LEO How's it going in there? JOSH It's... you know, we're just starting. INT - LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT, CONTINUOUS LEO Well, make sure you get creative. Get people thinking even though you know... JOSH Yeah. LEO I'm going to go in there alone for a minute. JOSH ( clears throat ) (Leo knocks on Oval Office door and enters ) INT - OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT, CONTINUOUS POTUS Hey. LEO I was just briefed. They're setting up a Joint Operations Command in Elk Horn. I wish I'd been here a half hour ago. POTUS What would you have done a half hour ago that hasn't already been done? LEO I'd have known a half hour ago what I know now. This is exactly why I'm not going to my meeting anymore-- it's a luxury. POTUS I know. If only technology could invent some way to get in touch with you in an emergency. Some sort of telephonic device with a personalized number we could call to let you know that we needed you. Perhaps it would look something like this, Mr. Moto! LEO You should've called me. POTUS Would you stop? LEO All right. Obviously, we're coordinating with the Governor's office and State FEMA in Boise. POTUS You know, I've noticed that other people keep a set of comfortable clothes in their office for when they have to work late. I like that-- you should do that, too. LEO I do do that. POTUS Oh. You should change. LEO You see me wearing a necktie? POTUS Never mind. LEO Can I have my pager back? The hazard assessment by the RAD team is good. No airborne release of cesium isotopes. No gamma or neutron radiation readings. POTUS But? LEO Both trucks are still burning. The fire commander's pulling out his men and equipment as soon as possible. POTUS I'm pretty sure he's right. LEO Yeah, these things haven't tested for tunnel fires. They're built to withstand 1,475 Fahrenheit for 30 minutes but apparently a train tunnel in Baltimore burned at 1,500. POTUS Yeah. Leo? LEO Yes, sir? POTUS I knew this a half hour ago. LEO Right. POTUS This whole night I'm going to be a half hour smarter than you. LEO Okay. So, you know about the other truck. POTUS No. LEO It was stolen from a rest stop outside of Glenn's Ferry two weeks ago. POTUS The driver's dead? LEO Yeah. POTUS Arab? LEO No. He's Garry Vernon Clarke. POTUS Is that his name, or is that what we think it is right now? LEO Looks like it was an accident. POTUS In what happens to be the most dangerous and unanticipated situation for the transportation of nuclear waste. LEO Yes. POTUS ( sighs ) What's that meeting next door? LEO Don't worry about it. INT - JOSH'S OFFICE - NIGHT JOSH Did I leave a folder called "Southeast Targets and..." (Donna hands him a folder) Thank you. INT - HALLWAY - NIGHT, CONTINUOUS DONNA I've been putting together a folder of my own. All the things that need to be done in order for the President to issue a proclamation. JOSH What has to be done? DONNA Let me check... Nothing. JOSH Donna... DONNA Nothing has to be done. JOSH He can't just issue a proclamation. DONNA He can. JOSH No, I'm saying he can't just because you want him to. What's next, executive clemency if you're having a bad hair day? DONNA I never have a bad hair day and Molly Morello was a public school teacher for 41 years. JOSH Which is nice, but these things are for important causes not individual perks for staffers... DONNA National Digestive Diseases Awareness Week. JOSH When was that? DONNA Right now. It began after General Pulaski Memorial Day. JOSH Look, if you're going to mock the dead... DONNA February was National Sewing Month, by the way. JOSH It's still the President's name and reputation. We haven't vetted this woman. DONNA You're saying what if she's a lesbian? JOSH If she were a lesbian we could talk. I'm saying what if she's a bicycle thief? DONNA I doubt... JOSH Don't doubt it. Know it. Do a Google search, then talk to me. INT - HOYNES OFFICE - NIGHT HOYNES Sorry, you been waiting a while? SAM Good evening, sir. No, that's fine. HOYNES I got held up at a poker game. SAM I love poker. HOYNES I heard you had Caps tickets? SAM Yes, sir. HOYNES How was the game? SAM Not very good. HOYNES Have you ever seen a good hockey game? SAM No. HOYNES Me, neither. I love sports, I just can't get next to hockey. See, I think Americans like to savor situations. One down, bottom of the ninth one-run game, first and third left-handed batter right-handed reliever infield at double-play depth, here's the pitch. But scoring in hockey seems to come out of nowhere. The play-by-play guy is always shocked. "LePetier passes to Huckenchuck who skates past the blue line. Huckenchuck, of course, was traded from Winnipeg for a case of Labatts after sitting out last season with... Oh, my God, he scores!" So, what's going on? SAM (sighs ) They're marking up the Internet Education Act tomorrow. HOYNES Tomorrow? SAM Yes, sir, and they're zeroing out the Technology Challenge Fund. HOYNES Tomorrow? SAM Yes, sir. We only heard about it tonight. HOYNES We're going to save this thing. SAM That's what I'm here for. HOYNES It's only $52 million. SAM It's going to be embarrassing. HOYNES 75% of the poorest Americans don't have Internet access. 60% of blacks and Hispanics don't have Internet access. I have to make some calls. SAM Yeah, the problem is... HOYNES What? SAM The Chairman. You attacked him at the DNC Spring... HOYNES You sent me to attack him. SAM I understand. HOYNES They're marking it up tomorrow? SAM Yes, sir. HOYNES You're going to do this for me. You're going to get this done. SAM Yes, sir. INT - ROOSEVELT ROOM - NIGHT LARRY Decorated in Vietnam, defense hawk... ED There'd be astronomical black turnout in Georgia North Carolina and Louisiana. LARRY All of the sudden the South is on the table. TOBY Does anyone even know if he's a Democrat? JOSH He would be now. LARRY Certainly, no Republican would criticize him. JOSH These guys are right. Black turnout would explode. We'd realign the country. C.J. That's assuming it stays a two-man race. JOSH Who's going to get into it this late? TOBY John Hoynes. JOSH Hoynes, as... an Independent? TOBY Yeah. JOSH The guy practically has corporate sponsorship. The Tostitos Vice President is going to lead an independent movement? LARRY It's not that ridiculous. JOSH It is that ridiculous! He'd be finished in politics. TOBY Some future he'll have after we publicly humiliate him by kicking him off the ticket. JOSH So, bring it on. What are we afraid of? C.J. How about a household name with his own base of conservative Democrats and populist Independents. TOBY Starts at 15, maybe 20%. Now, every state's up for grabs 'cause it's a three-way. JOSH But he'll lose. C.J. Which is gratifying, of course but not much of a consolation since we'll lose, too. JOSH Say what you want, Hoynes is a pragmatist. To do this, he'd be the craziest Vice President since Aaron Burr-- and Burr shot a guy. I can't believe we're talking about this. C.J. Your meeting. JOSH Getting that a lot these days. TOBY So... that leaves us where? JOSH Wondering if Fitzwallace is a Democrat or a Republican. END ACT II ACT III INT - MARGARET'S OFFICE- NIGHT LEO Yeah, it sounds like you're getting tripped up on 1783. CHARLIE Which is? LEO HR-1783; it's the tax rebate from last year. CHARLIE Why would that affect my return for this year? INT - HALLWAY - NIGHT, CONTINUOUS LEO Did you get a tax rebate last year? CHARLIE Yeah. LEO There's the answer. CHARLIE Where's the answer? LEO The rebate came off this year's taxes. That's how we paid for it. CHARLIE Hang on. The money I got back last year has to be paid for? LEO Yeah. CHARLIE That's not a rebate; that's an advance. LEO Well, technically, I guess. CHARLIE Not technically. This is like getting a Christmas bonus and having it deducted from your January paycheck. LEO This doesn't sound like very patriotic talk to me, Charlie. INT - ANTE ROOM - NIGHT, CONTINUOUS CHARLIE It's not. Why did you call it a rebate? LEO So people would spend it. If they thought it was an advance, they might save it. CHARLIE It was an advance. LEO Did you spend it? CHARLIE I paid my VISA bill. LEO We would have preferred if you ate in a restaurant or traveled. CHARLIE Me, too. LEO Well, in any event... CHARLIE What? Oh, what are you, the collector? POTUS Leo? LEO He used the rebate to pay off his VISA bill. CHARLIE It wasn't a rebate; it was an advance. POTUS A trip to Banana Republic would have killed you? (to Leo) Let's go. INT - OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT, CONTINUOUS LEO The problem is we don't know anything. POTUS That's never been a problem for us before. LEO We don't know anything until we can get into the tunnel, and we can't get into the tunnel until the place cools down. Until we can get into the tunnel we don't know if we have to evacuate Elk Horn. POTUS Well, that's FEMA's call, isn't it? LEO Well, FEMA's indicated they're going to want to make it the Governor's call and the Governor's indicated he's going to want you to step in. POTUS I should set a ransom. I'll tell you what the radiation levels are but first I want your electoral votes. Or is that a bad strategy? LEO It's pretty bad. POTUS Okay, no ransom. We'll play this one straight. What about other shipments? LEO There are two other shipments on the road tonight. One's low-level radioactive waste-- mostly medical. It's being shipped on three rail cars in South Carolina. POTUS Have we stopped the train? LEO Yeah. The National Guard's going to secure it till we know what happened. POTUS What about the second? LEO That's more problematic. There's about 200 pounds of what's called "trans-uranic" materials fromM Rocky Flats where they assemble the nuclear triggers. They're about 150 miles away from Carlsbad and we can't tell them to pull over 'cause that makes them more vulnerable. POTUS They beefed up the escort? LEO Yeah. POTUS Okay. LEO Thank you, Mr. President. INT - ROOSEVELT ROOM - NIGHT LARRY No one knew if Eisenhower was a Democrat or a Republican before he ran. ED Grant had only voted once in his life, and it was for the other guys. C.J. Grant works as an example in almost any situation. That's Grant's legacy. TOBY Plus, he won the Civil War. JOSH What about Leo? LEO What did I do? JOSH As running mate. Bartlet-McGarry. LEO Done. JOSH It's not absurd, you know. LEO Yes, it is. JOSH It's not totally absurd. LEO Yes, it is. TOBY He wants your parking space. JOSH I really don't. C.J. It's not totally absurd. LEO You have a good parking space. C.J. You know, if it weren't for the drinking and the Valium... And yet, Grant... TOBY That's right. C.J. They went to Lincoln. They said, "Grant's a drunk." He said, "Send all my generals a case of whatever he's drinking." LARRY I see a 30-second spot. LEO You guys don't think an alcoholic can be Vice President? You really think the 20th century didn't see an alcoholic in the West Wing? I'll be around. (EXITS) INT - MARGARET'S OFFICE - NIGHT, CONTINUOUS JOSH Hey... Leo. They didn't mean anything. LEO Yeah, I didn't take anything. JOSH What's going on in Idaho? INT - LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT, CONTINUOUS LEO The tunnel's still hot. We're looking at evacuating Elk Horn. JOSH Elk Horn is 20,000. LEO Yeah. JOSH We've done this before? LEO For hurricanes, yeah. JOSH This is a radioactive cloud. LEO I wouldn't call it a cloud. JOSH You wouldn't call it the end of a Yankee game either. LEO I don't know. You got your sirens route and tone alerts on local radio and TV. Paul Reveres go out... JOSH Civil defense volunteers? LEO Yeah, we got the armory in Caldwell 75 miles away for refugees. JOSH Still, we're talking about widespread panic and chaos, right? LEO I assume. Anything else? JOSH I don't want to go back to my meeting. LEO Well, you're not staying here. JOSH Okay. INT - HOYNES OFFICE - NIGHT HOYNES There must be $100, $110 million for distance learning and telemedicine. Can we shave that down? SAM There are three rural members on the committee who love distance learning. HOYNES I'm not sure I see the POint if the rural poor don't have Internet hookups. What if we just plus up the entire bill? SAM Sir? HOYNES We get our Internet $52 million they get to add $52 million for Internet blocking software or whatever they want. Why can't we do that? SAM Well, one of the problems is they're deficit hawks. HOYNES We're deficit hawks, too, aren't we? SAM That's the other problem. HOYNES All right, work with me here. Now, what do they want-- a bridge, a highway, a soda machine? SAM They want your name off the bill. Sir, they want your name off of it. They love this bill. Helping the poor learn computers so they can lift themselves up by their bootstraps-- it gets voted out of committee unanimously. But it's an election year. HOYNES When is it not an election year? ( sighing ) I like what Daniel Webster said when the Whig Party offered him Vice President. "I do not propose to be buried until I am dead." I used to be every Republican's favorite Democrat. Ah...! Screw it, Sam. SAM Absolutely, Mr. Vice President. HOYNES ( sighing ) Let's take my name off it. SAM Yes, sir. INT - COMMUNICATIONS BULLPEN - NIGHT TOBY Where's Secretary Fisher? GINGER He can't make it tonight. TOBY Excuse me? GINGER The Secretary's at an NGA reception at the Willard Hotel. She says he can see you tomorrow afternoon. TOBY "She." GINGER His scheduler. TOBY We paged him. GINGER She called back. TOBY ( chuckling ) Call Fisher, or his scheduler and say I want the Secretary here in half an hour to talk about moving his announcement to the White House briefing room... 'cause we have more TV cameras. GINGER 'Cause we have more... TOBY The most dangerous place in Washington is between Bill Fisher and a TV camera. INT - JOSH'S OFFICE - NIGHT DONNA Clean as a whistle. JOSH Thank you. DONNA Molly Morello. JOSH Look, uh... DONNA When was the last time I asked you for anything? By the way, I found this. JOSH What? DONNA "A proclamation to modify the quantitative limitations applicable to the imports of wheat gluten." JOSH We are just a little rococo, aren't we? DONNA Why is Molly Morello less worthy of a proclamation than General Pulaski? INT -HALLWAY - NIGHT, CONTINUOUS JOSH I wish I knew who General Pulaski was. DONNA This is what I mean. JOSH She's not less worthy but neither is she more worthy than the other 90,000 public school teachers who are retiring this year. DONNA Who weren't lucky enough to have a White House staffer as a former student. JOSH But that's where we get into trouble. DONNA Who would find out? JOSH "Who would find out" is also where we frequently find trouble. DONNA You're right. JOSH Yes. DONNA All right, you're right. (EXITS) INT - LOBBY - NIGHT, CONTINUOUS JOSH Hey, you get it done? SAM Yeah. JOSH He's taking his name off it? SAM Yeah. JOSH Well, it feels like we're almost done in there. SAM You want to tell me what this meeting's about now? JOSH Replacing Hoynes. SAM What are you talking about? JOSH Bruno wanted us to look at replacing Hoynes. SAM Josh. JOSH So, we're looking at it. What's the big...? We're looking at it and everybody's treating me like... SAM Why? JOSH There's electoral math. SAM Was I sent away? JOSH No. SAM I wasn't sent to Hoynes' office so I wouldn't be at that meeting? JOSH No. SAM Is this ser... I mean, are you talking about names? JOSH Fitzwallace, Leo, and Ulysses S. Grant. SAM Not for nothing but before we go in there, I want to be clear. I didn't have to convince him, or even suggest it. Right off the bat, he said, "Let's take my name off it." INT - LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT ( Margaret knocks on door and enters ) LEO Yeah? MARGARET The Vice President. LEO Thanks. You can go home now. MARGARET I go home when you go home. LEO (To person on phone) I'll get back to you. (Hangs up) Mr. Vice President. I like your style. HOYNES It's money well-spent. LEO It deserved to have your name on it. LEO Well, I've got my name on other stuff. You know what I don't like? I don't like we can't campaign on it. LEO Can you sit for a minute? HOYNES Yeah. LEO I'm in a bind, and I think you know what it is. HOYNES I'm sorry, I don't. LEO I have to respect the anonymity of an alcoholic and I can't reveal what's said in a meeting but I've got a responsibility to the President, and in fact to the country. And so... HOYNES Leo, I-I-I'm sorry. I honestly don't know what you're saying. LEO John, you've got to tell the President. HOYNES Tell him what? LEO That you're an alcoholic. HOYNES Are you telling me he doesn't know? LEO How would he know? HOYNES You didn't tell him? LEO Of course I didn't tell him. HOYNES Before you picked me, you didn't tell him? LEO No. HOYNES I... I always assumed... LEO No. HOYNES Well. Let's go see our boss. END ACT III ACT VI INT - HALLYWAY - NIGHT (Ginger knocks on Roosevelt Room door. Toby exits and goes into his office) INT - TOBY'S OFFICE - NIGHT, CONTINUOUS HUD SECRETARY Hey. TOBY How was the NGA? HUD SECRETARY Oh, you know the Governors-- too many mandates, too little money. I can hear that one at home. TOBY ( chuckling ) Good one. HUD SECRETARY The Governors liked it. TOBY Yeah. Have you announced for the Governor of New Jersey, Bill? HUD SECRETARY Excuse me? TOBY Did I miss an announcement somewhere? HUD SECRETARY That's three years away. I'm just trying to serve the President... TOBY 'Cause I've never heard of these home ownership loans, so I'm assuming it's a campaign proposal. Camden and Newark will go nuts but I know it's not a national program. HUD SECRETARY Give me a break. TOBY You know how I know? 'Cause national programs are announced by the President of the United States unless this White House passes on them first. HUD SECREATARY Toby, this is a nickel and dime program. Calm down. TOBY You're right. I forgot. We're announcing a brand new replacement for Social Security tomorrow. HUS SECRETARY I thought we were here to talk about... TOBY They're not your nickels, Bill. They're not your dimes. HUD SECRETARTY Whoa! Hang on a minute. The President asked me to join his Cabinet. He asked me to stall my political career with the agreement that he would help me when my... TOBY Apparently, you don't want his help. You're too busy helping yourself. HUD SECRETARY If this announcement makes A17 of the Metro section, I'd be surprised. TOBY There's one name on the ballot this November, Bill. Not yours, not mine. Not the Governor of New Jersey, and believe me no one will work harder than Jed Bartlet to put you there. But this President loses re-election your career's finished, and so is mine. HUD SECRETARY What's your point? TOBY ( sighs ) Next time you announce new policy that isn't cleared by this office we're announcing you're moving back to New Jersey. HUD SECRETARY What about the loans? TOBY C.J. will announce them tomorrow from the podium. HUD SECRETARY Oh, come on, Toby, at least let me do it with the President. TOBY It's too small for the President. I've got to go back to a meeting. INT - ANTE ROOM - NIGHT POTUS Yup. It was the rebate. CHARLIE It wasn't a rebate. It was an advance. POTUS You say potato. CHARLIE I do say potato, and so does everybody else I know. POTUS We wanted to inject some money into retail and tourism. CHARLIE Why not wait until people were supposed to have the money? POTUS The economy might have improved on its own by then. CHARLIE In which case, the whole thing would have been pointless in the first place. POTUS Yeah. CHARLIE Economists just make it up as they go along, don't they? POTUS Yeah. CHARLIE Did it work? POTUS Not that much. Most people did what you did. They saved or they paid down debt. CHARLIE We don't want people to save and reduce their personal debt? POTUS We do but when the next guy's President. CHARLIE You win. POTUS I always do. CHARLIE Yes, sir. POTUS I'll tell you what I find interesting, though. CHARLIE What's that, sir? POTUS You. $35,000 a year, a sister to support and you gave $1,435 to charity? I'm not so sure that check isn't better off in your hands than ours. Oh, I'm taking it. Don't be ridiculous. But when you get to your place tonight you're going to find a new DVD player and that wimp-ass Bond movie. CHARLIE Mr. President... POTUS And I threw in Yeoman of the Guard on CD. CHARLIE That was an incredibly nice gesture. POTUS I'm really something. HOYNES Mr. President. POTUS Hey, John. LEO Could we have a minute, please, sir? POTUS Yeah. Charlie, let's get that woman on the phone. I'm feeling magical tonight. INT - OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT, CONTINUOUS POTUS They're in the tunnel now and the readings don't show anything beyond the predictable level of background radiation. The flatbed's back on its way and the Carlsbad is behind gates so we dodged the bullet. LEO Yeah. POTUS We pack this stuff in two inches of stainless steel, four inches of lead. We've rammed it with trains and dropped it from helicopters and it still isn't going to protect us from the thing we haven't thought of. They took a cask out to Aberdeen Proving Ground and shot a TOW missile clean through it. They showed me video. What can I do for you? LEO Sir, there's something very important we need to talk to you about. POTUS What? LEO Well, it's delicate and surprising, and I want to make sure your first reaction is measured so I'd like us to... HOYNES I'm a recovering alcoholic. POTUS Really? HOYNES Yes, sir. POTUS Is there anybody left who's not? LEO Sir... POTUS For how long? HOYNES I'm sorry? POTUS How long have you been in recovery? HOYNES My last drink... It was the year I was 22. POTUS Did you say 22? HOYNES Yes, sir. POTUS You haven't had a drink since you were 22? HOYNES That's right. POTUS I didn't start drinking till I was 25. What the hell do you guys count as... HOYNES Yeah, I know, but there's a history in my family and I had a few experiences in college. I liked beer a lot so I started going to meetings and I'm pretty sure if I stopped... POTUS Twenty-two? HOYNES Yes, sir. POTUS You and James Bond ought to team up. HOYNES I don't... LEO Don't worry about it. POTUS He's ordering a watered-down martini, and, Leo what the hell is this meeting that's going on all night across the hall? LEO We can talk about it later. HOYNES It's a meeting about having me replaced on the ticket. I know how to count to 270. LEO John, I assure you... I assure you that if it were a serious notion, we would... HOYNES Texas is gone, so is Florida. LEO We're not doing it. HOYNES You should think about it. POTUS Hey, did I hear right? Are you taking your name off that bill? HOYNES Nobody benefits from the Internet right now more than the rural poor. POTUS You're taking your name off. We can't campaign on it. HOYNES Yes, sir. POTUS And if somebody's attacking us, you know what to do. HOYNES I call Leo. POTUS Yeah but don't discount the possibility that it might be Leo. HOYNES Yes, sir. POTUS John, despite this recent revelation that you drank beer in college I've always liked you a little more than you thought I did but that's not why you're staying. It's this. Four words. HOYNES I've always liked you more than you thought I did, too, Mr. President. POTUS Just a little, right? HOYNES Yes, sir. POTUS Me, too. Anything else? LEO Thank you, Mr. President. HOYNES Thank you, sir. (Leo and Hoynes exit) POTUS Charlie! CHARLIE Yes, sir. POTUS Let's go. I'm a magic man. Donnatella. DONNA Good evening, Mr. President. POTUS Tell Josh that General Pulaski was a Polish Brigadier General who vanquished the Russian and Prussian military then came to the colonies and commanded our cavalry during the American Revolution. DONNA I will, sir. POTUS It says here in a briefing paper hastily written by Deputy Josh Lyman that in the '60s when the Madison Superintendent of Schools banned Twelfth Night for reasons passing understanding a Mrs. Molly Morello had students over to her home on Saturdays to read it. DONNA I didn't know that, sir. Josh wrote you a memo on Molly Morello? POTUS Yeah 'cause all I had tonight was a nuclear spill in Idaho. It says she came in two hours early to teach an AP English class she developed herself 'cause the school didn't offer one. DONNA I was in that class. POTUS Sounds like she deserves a proclamation. I wish I could give her one, but I can't. DONNA I totally understand. POTUS It's just too much inside baseball, you know? DONNA You're very nice to even talk to me about it. POTUS Charlie, I've been tapping my finger on the desk for about a minute now. CHARLIE Sir? POTUS The magic-man thing works a lot better when you pick up on the signals, Tonto. What's that you say? There's a phone call for Donna? Good evening. This is the White House. For whom are you holding? MRS. MORELLO I'm holding for Donna Moss. This is Mrs. Morello. DONNA Oh, my God. MRS. MORELLO Donna? DONNA Mrs. Morello, it's me. MRS. MORELLO Is everything all right? DONNA Everything's fine. MRS. MORELLO I hadn't heard from you in such a long time so I thought... DONNA No. Everything's fine. Sally Seidelman told me you were retiring. MRS. MORELLO At the end of this year. DONNA Well, I... I just wanted to say... I don't know, I just... I just wanted to say... I don't know. MRS. MORELLO Are-are you sure everything's all right? POTUS ( whispers ): Tell her where you are. MRS. MORELLO Donna? DONNA Mrs. Morello, I'm in the Oval Office with the President of the United States and it's because of you. Mrs. Morello? MRS. MORELLO What a thing to say. Well, we're all very proud of you, Donna. POTUS Shdidn't do anything. MRS. MORELLO Was that... POTUS It's Jed Bartlet, Mrs. Morello. I've got a couple of questions. When you taught Beowulf did you make the kids read it in the original Middle English or did you use a translation? MRS. MORELLO We used a translation, Mr. President. POTUS Okay. We're going to call that the James Bond version. MRS. MORELLO Yes, sir. POTUS What are you planning on doing with your retirement? MRS. MORELLO My husband and I are going to travel a little. POTUS That's great. I'd stay away from the Elk Horn, Idaho, area for a little while. You'll read why in the morning. Let's talk about Twelfth Night. INT - LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT C.J. Twenty-two? HOYNES Yeah. C.J. You haven't had a drink since you were 22? HOYNES Right. C.J. Ulysses S. Grant would have slapped your face. HOYNES He did once. JOSH Listen, it's fine that this is funny and, Mr. Vice President, I couldn't care less but what about the campaign? LEO What about it? JOSH The President just got past an honesty issue. TOBY He's not past it. JOSH If it becomes public... C.J. That's a big assumption. TOBY No, it's not. LEO I think that issue is probably worth further discussion but we're done talking about the ticket. The President's made it very clear he wants the Vice President to remain the Vice President and he wrote down his one and only reason. JOSH "Because I could die." Well, of course he's right, sir. HOYNES It doesn't solve the problem of the electoral math. I don't know what the field's going to look like after Labor Day. The Etch-a-Sketch will be shaken up a little, but right now the math's tough. And I know you all think he's a punch line and I know why, but I disagree. They're sure running the right guy against us. SAM Am I really the only one who thinks a giant sumo wrestler in a hockey goal might get the job done? JOSH I don't know. I'm open to new ideas.